To do lists and perfection and decisions

Ahh, I know it’s been a little while since I posted another update on here. It is difficult to post, even on a truly personal blog, because I still know that you will be reading this. I worry about being judged for my insecurities and confusions. I carry around a ton of anxiety, and hide out watching Gossip Girl for hours. It makes me ineffective, and then I get frustrated and…well, less effective. Recently I’ve been experimenting with this idea of the “morning pages”, that’s three pages of writing to just empty your head out when you wake up. I noticed that my mind is often very full before I get to sleep as well and have been writing before my sleep too. It’s nothing that makes much sense, just a bit of externalised thinking to try and break the loop that goes around your head when you’re trying to solve a problem. But either way, it can’t be blogged and shouldn’t be. A bit of private writing for no one’s eyes but your own is good for you. On the other hand, I like how this blog makes it clearer to me what I’m ready to declare to the world and what I want to keep to myself.

I’ve been feeling more accomplished with smaller to-do lists recently, especially at this time where my emotions and the weight I put on my decisions has become a bit paralysing. Yesterday I thought back to when I first started working for myself. I had absolutely nothing to lose. Great place to be, that. Worth getting back to!

So here’s where I am at: I don’t want to let go of Fluent yet. I want to work with it for at least a day a week, and will be starting a fundraising campaign to get paid for it. I’ll keep working on a few books and products (Oh god, I can’t help going into “I’m writing a book!” mode again, can I?), reduce my teaching hours to one afternoon a week and run a little blog that doesn’t go looking for ads and sponsors. If more money starts coming in, I’ll assess doing more Fluent work. Easy.

The other time will be spent as a freelancer, finally taking advantage of all the business stuff I’ve been neglecting. Right now I’m making lists of things I like doing, and figured I should treat this like a great restaurant and make a service menu. Yes. With like starters and desserts and things, and then see what sells! I know for a fact that there’s a good bunch of stuff that I don’t want to do, particularly design and some aspects of teaching. I do really like brainstorming, phrasing and communications, running projects and seeing things through to a point where they’re finished.

I always like sharing and recommending other stuff I’ve been working on, so for the benefit of other confused people, try out the Trello website for project planning. It’s great because it lets you move everything around as many times as you need to work out what is happening. And I’ve also used the Post-Its app for moving things around in the same way. That’s about it for wisdom. I know none of these blog posts are perfect, and typing them for you to read automatically makes me self-censor a bit. But this is about accountability and knowing I’m moving forward. My impatient nature makes it feel like nothing’s ever progressing in the right way, but it’s nice to have a record and remember that we are going somewhere here. Just wish I was standing in my own way a bit less.

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